Mirrors, Crowds, and Contributions

Questions for April 2025

I’ve had it in my heart for a while to do one of these longform question and answer style posts and I love answering questions ( outside of my customer service job that is.) My goal with this is to answer honestly, practically and straightforward when and where I can, hopefully offering a bit of guidance to those who ask.

Thank you to those who submitted questions, it was fun to sit down and really sit with an honest answer., so thank you for providing me with the opportunity to have such fun.

So without further pause….

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Mirrors, Crowds, and Contributions : April 2025

How to feel in April?

Excited. Plant seeds, schedule something to look forward to in September. Forget about it. Listen to the critics if only to ignore them and go rolling down the hill anyways. Let cold air brace against bare legs welcome any sunshine with open arms.

Were you fooled?

Yes. I didn't heed a warning in Early Girls Buffalo Schnitzel Recipe ( which I do recommend. It was so delicious ) and choked on the fumes of the vinegar while basting. Fooled by my own hubris lol.

What are mirrors for? Hehe.

Both Literally and Metaphorically: for brief moments of reflection. If you stare for too long it warps your vision.

How do you make big decisions about your future, like the huge ones that could change everything?

My dad has this really excellent phrase. “Balls Out!” he says, which means that once you've taken things into consideration and gotten yourself prepared, rip off the Band-Aid. Even if you are scared -Balls out baby! Unnecessary hesitation can create confusion, offer yourself clarity.

How to extract truth from self and surroundings ?

This is a lifelong process. The understanding you have one day may change the next. Something shallow may gain depth, and other times you may realize you've been drowning in a kiddie pool.

Listen. Observe. Consult those older and wiser than you, Slow down and look at the cards in your hand. Honor those gained, briefly mourn the ones lost and back to playing.

Participate. Get dirt under your nails. Nature ( even in its tamed (neutered) urban and suburban forms) speaks plainly and is often overlooked, but I've learned more about life and living from working a garden than I have spinning my wheels online.

Don't sacrifice your own voice for the sake of comfortable agreement, for this skill I have learned to be in a constant honest conversation with myself. Am I doing this for the right reasons ( honoring values, honoring the world, honoring myself and those I love) or am I doing this for the sake of the show?

Keep Listening. To you what truth is soulknown? What have you learned, what have you forgotten and where ( and to whom ) do you find yourself lying?

I fear I may be haunted by my past, how do I befriend the ghosts? I’ve stopped trying to banish them, they need homes too. I want to be a good host.

A good host is a gracious one. Offer them a place to stay but know you can kick out a guest who repeatedly jumps on the bed with muddied shoes. Allow for terse subjects to be brought up, subdue a strong reaction and allow the conversation to move on to other things.

I will also note that you don't have to befriend all that haunts you. You can still maintain a positive rapport with one without calling them a friend. That option is always on the table.

What are you looking forward to this month, big or small?

Bok Choy. We planted some in early March and it should be good in a few weeks at the latest. Bok choy means homemade ramen and I’ve got a really big stewpot so I’ll make enough to last a week, which thrills me.

My neighbors are having a birthday party for their daughter. I am really enjoying finding her a little present. I'm hoping for something both her and her parents can enjoy as I do think the best toys are ones that allow everyone to play.

A more general list of things I am excited for:

Trees filling up with leaves, Evenings with the windows Open, Camping, Friends, finally getting back to a satisfying level of productivity. naps.

How do I be?

This is something you decide for yourself, A garment you must tailor to suit and again repair when it gets worn.

I do a yearly self audit, which I then refer to throughout the year. I assess my values, and determine what they are, I then review the year and see where my actions aligned with my values and where I fell short. Then , in the present year, I check in with myself everyday and have an honest conversation with myself.

I ask “Have my actions today aligned with what it is that I value?” and course correct from there.

I must add that this value system is less of a checklist and more like a series of guideposts, a lighthouse to help me navigate my way through life, and keep my actions in line with what I believe regardless of outside pressures. ( a big lesson for me this past year is that peer pressure isn't necessarily “oh do drugs with me” but more so about ways of thinking and belief systems. ) I fall short time and time again, but that is where compassion and grace comes in. I could berate myself into inaction or I could lovingly fix the mistake and give myself the grace to try again. ( The latter option is far more enjoyable)

In a more general sense I feel the best when I give proper devotion and focus to the task at hand regardless of how small it is. I don't want to use this word lightly, as I think it's very very easy to swing a heavy sword but harder to land it upon a pins head, but being in this way feels very special. Sacred in a sense.

Do you have any tips forgetting your personality across in conversation rather than being passive and letting the other person inside the tone

I'd say personality is an innate aspect of oneself, so don't overthink it too much. Conversations are a balance of give and take, allow yourself to contribute with things you are genuinely interested in/actually wish to say instead of trying to guess what the other person would like to hear, and then shaping the conversation around that instead. It doesn't work, it's manipulative and both parties feel duped in the end. If they say something that catches your interest, ask questions. Allow yourself to be known through allowing yourself to know other people.

There's something that most people do to some extent, a sort of social shapeshifting, wherein individuals will adapt their behavior to fit within the context of a certain situation. (ex: not yelling “get in the car loser, we're going shopping” at someone's funeral ) so don't beat yourself up over this.

That being said, if you find yourself trying to Jedi mind trick every social situation, there's probably something deeper going on that could use some examination. Compassionately question yourself and your motives for this then take relevant steps forward to address the issue.

How to endure long waiting periods?

Waiting is a passive activity that goes on in the background. Take on a few side quests while tending to your normal responsibilities and pursue your goals with focus. Time will pass as it always has. If you are looking for a specific task I recommend inventing a new way of tying your shoes that no one has ever done before. Or bocce ball. Both are good.

I am halfway across the world from you and I am going into the first cold month of the year. How do I survive?

Wool socks, wool sweaters, and a couple comfortable layers underneath every coat. Eat hardy meals high in fats and protein, gain a few pounds, but don’t forget to keep yourself physically active. A brisk walk in the winter air is invigorating, and doing so will make the home feel like more of a refuge than a glue trap . Dream a bit. Count whatever seeds you've saved and go through old journals.

I’m moving out in April. Any advice?

Congratulations and good luck in this new chapter!

Label all your packing boxes with respect to what area of the home they belong in. Load your bathroom items, kitchen items and personal items last so they can be taken out first upon arrival. Practicality is your friend here.

Once you've arrived, give yourself time to acclimate. Unpack. Nap. Light a candle, hang up your most beloved picture. Walk around a few blocks and take note of any landmarks, big trees or interesting houses. Learn the name of the nearest intersections. Find a local café or restaurant and sit outside for a bit before ordering.

When it comes to making new friends, find any group meeting of activities related to your interest. Go to a board game night, join a karaoke club. Learn the names of your neighbors and extend a helping hand where you can. Become a part of the world, not just a witness.

Lastly, give yourself time. Plenty of time. More than you'd expect. Things will settle. Call if you feel lonely.

How to heal a broken heart?

The heart is a fickle thing and breaks just as easily as it falls in love. May this situation get better soon!

A good general cure is a long walk listening to sad music followed by a heavy meal high in fats and proteins ( comfort food exists for a reason ) . Cry until your eyes feel puffy then take a nap. A day in a new town and a few hours by a body of water. Call up a friend and cry for bit then burst into laughter once the clouds have given way. Sadness is a welcome guest but a terrible roommate. This pain will have its place and this place will be known in time, but until then keep going.

Repeat as needed.

How are you manifesting your wildest dreams ?

One day at a time. Simple as.

I’ve also come to realize that my wants and desires are actually quite ordinary and not that wild to begin with and by placing them so far out of reach (mentally ) I’ve done myself a disservice. Reality is that things are quite possible and I can make them happen for myself everyday even if only in small ways .

I dream of a wonderful house, so I keep the apartment clean and open up the windows when the air feels stale. I dream of family, so I care for those I hold close. I dream of picnics and garden parties, so I eat lunch on the stoop when I have the time. I dream of a big home garden, so every Sunday I volunteer at a community garden. I want to make brilliant art, I desire to be far more skilled than I am now, so I paint, draw, and write whenever and wherever I can. I refuse to complicate things for myself.

How to find a balance between the construct itself and the true self ?

Slowly and fairly, weighing your actions against what your soul values, I think.

How do you make peace with the past?

Lay it to rest and visit every now and again with the knowing that nostalgia makes a poor home.

How to deal with weaker constitutions of the self?

Apply Grace liberally and allow yourself the space to fail. Cultivate a sense of respect for those who are strong where you are weak and refrain from the easy path of envy. It gets easier to see your own strength when you can recognize the strengths of others. No man is an island, and it takes the combined strengths of many to succeed, allow yourself to learn from those who possess what you lack and don't shy away from trusting others to do what you cannot. Strength or character requires restraint, and knowing where to be humble enough to step back and let others lead.

What do you think of gender in respect to the sun and moon?

Not much really . I think of more scents. With the moon I think heliotrope and metal, with the sun I think tobacco and asphalt.

Do you have any particular thinker or artist you have a kindred connection to?

Right now I feel very connected to the work of Colleen Barry, and as for thinkers ( and this is probably obvious ) I drink from as many ponds as I can, as I don’t feel incredibly connected with any one individual, however I have been enjoying Simone Weil as of late. ( secretly, I do think I would have gotten along with Hemingway, this is based on nothing in reality and is entirely a fantasy I’ve had since high school, where during the winter I’d drink a bottle of wine by the lakeshore and let the snow pile atop my legs.)

Navigating the quest to deepen current friendships/feeling lonely in a crowd type of thing

A challenge no doubt, but something that will get easier with time and effort.

Relationships develop over time and through frequency. Make it a habit to do little things together a few times a week/whenever possible (ex. phone calls, grocery store trips, laundromat runs, pop in at their workplace for a quick spell).

I , personally, am not one for crowds. I find them overwhelming and prefer one-on-one hangouts and conversations. However, when it comes to groups I find it best to have some sort of shared activity, where active participation is required by all present. Structuring social time around a shared activity allows for participation without the requirement of conversation, that way even if someone doesn't feel like talking/doesn't care for it, they can still belong to the whole. Some of my favorites are dancing, karaoke, drawing with sidewalk chalk, picnics, board games, Etc. ( Group crafting nights work very well too.)

For example: Next week my fiancé has a Dungeons and Dragons session with his friends. That's not really my thing but I like to b e with people and listen in while I sketch. That being said, just sitting there without any real contribution feels standoffish, So, I plan to participate by bringing some homemade treats for people to enjoy while playing. That way I can listen to the story and do my own thing while still having contributed to a wonderful evening. I find that as long as I feel that I am positively contributing ( and that the positive contribution is being accepted) I feel like I belong, and that what I bring to the table matters.

“ what are some recent readings you’ve enjoyed”

Anne Carson , Red Doc and Norma Jean Baker of Troy. I find her writing delightfully challenging, it has me running to understand her allusions further than the denotation. I've also been enjoying Taschen Art books. I read one on O’Keefe and one on Kandinsky. Far better than a death spiral afternoon on Pinterest.

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Thank you for indulging me in this, perhaps we will do this again sometime soon!

Love,

nim.